


you never get to heaven (on a night like this)

by BrenH



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Background Beau/Jester, Bastille Really Had Me In My Feelings For Them On This One!, Empire Kids Being Siblings, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Night Stands, Pining, Rejection, Widofjord Week, resolved tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 09:16:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19315192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrenH/pseuds/BrenH
Summary: "There’s a sinking feeling in Caleb’s chest, and he wants to believe it’s the aftermath of a night of drinking but he knows it isn’t that. Knows that he’s thought Fjord was handsome for a while, that while he’s a dangerous man he would like to know more, understand more, about him. He also knows that that wasn’t what last night was about, and that part of him that is terrified of confrontation dreads the moment Fjord wakes up."Caleb and Fjord spend a night together, but the aftermath leaves them unsure of where they stand with each other.





	you never get to heaven (on a night like this)

**Author's Note:**

> For Widofjord Week 2019 day 7: Song Lyrics!  
> I highly suggest listening to Those Nights and Million Pieces by Bastille alternating on repeat while reading this because that's what I did while writing it. The title comes from Those Nights! The specific lyrics I was using as inspiration for this concept from the two songs were, from Those Nights & Million Pieces respectively: 
> 
> Those nights when you crave someone, To be there at dawn, to wake with, 'cause aren't we all just, Looking for a little bit of hope these days? // It breaks my heart into a million pieces, If it's gonna break me, won't you let me go? Leave it 'til the morning, I don't wanna know

There aren’t many days with the mighty nein that aren’t tense in some fashion, where their lives aren’t on the line, where they can smile and joke amongst themselves without feeling guilt gnawing on the edges of what’s left of their consciences. Lately things have been even worse; too many close calls with death, too many fights with each other, too much blood spilled. The ease in which their enemies seem to be able to hit Yasha is catching up to her; she leaves fights bloodied and increasingly exhausted. Beau’s harder to hit but she can only take so many before she hits the ground. Jester’s facades are cracking more and more each day, and Caleb knows she blames him in part for the danger her mother may or may not be in. Nott’s getting increasingly antsy without her drink and without her family, and everyone must realize by now that she’s so close to leaving for her son at a moment’s notice. Caduceus is driven, but even the dark mood of the group is getting to him; he can only stay so calm in the face of destiny for so long.

Caleb and Fjord are… something. Caleb doesn’t know where they stand anymore, but he has the sinking feeling it isn’t anywhere good.

_Hushed voices, the creaking of a door—he’s pretty sure it’s his—as they stumble through, the familiar taste of copper as he nicks his lip on the sharp edges of the beginnings of Fjord’s tusks, a green tongue wiping it away._

Morale has been too low for too long, everyone chomping at the bit for a fight, everyone waiting to see who will be the first to turn tail. If this is where they all stood as a group just a few months ago, Caleb would be certain he’d be the first. As it stands he’s only slightly sure. He’s more certain that everyone expects it to be him, certain that no one truly believes him when he says he cares for them all. He thinks of Beau and his conversation, thinks of her telling him that they’re friends, and he hopes that he can screw his courage to the sticking place, that they all can, and survive this. Whatever _this_ turns out to be.

_He’s maybe one too many ales in, but not too many to justify what he does or what he says. He’s buzzed but nowhere near drunk enough for Fjord to be able to ignore him or his requests, but neither of them are sober enough to ignore their chemistry either. Caleb’s had enough to drink to make the first move because he knows Fjord never will, is pretty sure Fjord isn’t even capable of it, but he hasn’t had enough to think that this could go anywhere good long term._

_“Fjord… we are all looking for ah…_ **_something_ ** _to take our minds off this, all of this.” Caleb gestures wildly around them at nothing in particular, knows Fjord grasps his meaning in ways no one else in the group ever seems to._

_Fjord turns his head away, not enough to not be looking at Caleb, but enough to hide half his face in the shadows. “Isn’t that what this all is? Taking our minds off it all?” He gestures weakly around the bar they’ve found themselves in for the night, but his tone is sardonic and Caleb feels the edges of his mouth twitching upwards._

_“And is it working?” Caleb leans forward, into Fjord’s personal space, can’t help himself from glancing down at his lips before back to burning holes in the side of his face._

_Fjord says nothing for a moment before he clears his throat and downs the rest of his drink. “No. No I s’pose it isn’t. But then again, what does these days?” Fjord swivels in his seat, sitting upright to face Caleb, and for a moment Caleb forgets what they were talking about._

_It isn’t as if he forgot that Fjord is tall, it’s just that they have been around so many tall beings lately, and Fjord doesn’t fill his frame quite the same way. It doesn’t help that he’s spent months curling in on himself, trying to hide himself as best as possible, until they started being around larger tougher full blooded orcs and he started trying to look bigger. He isn’t even as tall or as built as Yasha, and sometimes Caleb forgets that he is tall, and he does have muscle, and he finds his eyes trailing down from his face to his neck to his arms before he quickly glances around the rest of the bar, trying to pretend it’s just his usual inability to maintain eye contact._

He supposes things might be better off if they all took Caduceus’s advice and talked things out with each other, but the idea of them all sitting around talking about their feelings only makes Caleb snort. Perhaps if they were all less obtuse they would be better off, but then again perhaps they never would have met had that been the case.

Caleb finds his way down to the bar of the tavern they have been staying in these past few nights, finding most of his companions downstairs. Beau gives him a terse nod which he returns before she goes back to talking to Jester, who can’t seem to work up her usual cheer at the moment.

“Still here?”

Caleb blinks once, twice, three times, feels his jaw nearly twitch before he schools his features as he was once taught and turns to Fjord. “Ja, of course. Why would I not be?”

Fjord’s face is similarly neutral as he shrugs. “Dunno. I guess with you the opposite can be asked at any time too.” They stare at each other for a moment, and Caleb feels the divide between them stretch on as he refuses to turn away. It hurts, knowing that this is what Fjord thinks of him when he has been so genuine in how highly he thinks of Fjord, and if he were still the man he was months ago he’d turn away and leave now, tail between his legs. But today he is not that man anymore, and he stares back at Fjord until he breaks eye contact first, before Fjord is the one who turns tail and goes back to sulking over his food. Caleb turns, sees Beau not so subtely try to pretend she wasn’t staring dumbfounded, and Jester who is openly staring at them with something that looks like a mix of sadness, understanding, and hurt.

“Guten Morgen.” He says quietly, nodding to Jester before going to sit on the other side of Beau, as far from Fjord as he can.

_“Gute Nacht.”_

_Caleb starts making the rounds, saying his goodnights to everyone. The atmosphere is tense but they’re all making an effort, all trying to lighten up for a night with mixed results. Nott tells him they’re having a girls night and is he ok with sleeping in their room alone, and he has to refrain from telling her he’s gotten almost used to her absence since her reunion with Yeza. Beau tells him goodnight with glassy eyes, and Yasha nods to him silently. Jester and Caduceus are the only completely sober ones and while Jester gives him an almost enthusiastic, but still loud goodnight, Caduceus smiles knowingly at him and responds quietly._

_He’s set up his route by making sure he’d have to walk directly past where Fjord is still sitting at the bar in order to make his way to his room, and he has to fight a grin when he walks past Fjord and hears Fjord ask him to stop. “Ja, Fjord?”_

_Fjord is staring up at him from where he’s sitting, and it feels strange to be looked up to like this by Fjord, but good. Fjord tilts his head, regarding him for a moment before he fake pouts. “You didn’t say goodnight to me.”_

_Caleb does grin at this, and he tells himself it’s the ale he had. “Well, I was hoping I wouldn’t be saying goodnight to you just yet.”_

_Fjord’s pout stretches to match Caleb’s grin as he holds up one finger to Caleb before getting up and meandering over to the rest of their friends to say goodnight as well. For the first time in a number of days Caleb feels light, like things might be looking up, at least for the night._

“Gods with all this stupid fucking tension maybe you guys should just fuck it out or something!” Beau finally snaps, and Caleb feels himself tense, sees Fjord do the same from the corner of his vision.

“Beau!” Jester gasps, and Caleb thinks she sounds more upset than shocked by what Beau has said.

“What?” Beau says rounding on her. “I thought you of all people would think maybe I was onto something.” Jester says nothing, pointedly staring at Beau and Caleb sees Beau’s face soften. “Sorry, fine. I was out of bounds.”

“Yeah, well, maybe you should learn to keep your nose in your own fucking business.” Fjord snaps, and Caleb tenses further, opening his mouth to retort when Jester beats him to it.

“Fjord! That is enough!” Jester yells and everyone quiets.

“I think…” Caduceus starts in that slow way of his, “We are all looking for a little hope these days… and however we can manage to find that solace can’t be that bad of a thing.” he finishes sagely, nodding to no one in particular.

Beau snorts. “Yeah just drink, fuck, dance right through disaster.”

“Yeah, well,” Fjord huffs, “I’ll just stop at ‘drink’ thank you very much.”

Caleb doesn’t miss how the tension never leaves Fjord’s body, how he puffs out his chest when he’s feeling attacked to make himself look bigger. Doesn’t miss how he still looks away, still stares down at his breakfast instead of meeting anybody’s eyes. “You don’t dance?”

Caleb sees Fjord roll his eyes and sneer slightly, and when he’s silent, waiting for a reply, Fjord looks up, looks around at all his friends waiting on him to answer. “Are you serious? I was a sailor we don’t… do dances much. Not the conventional types at least.”

“Oh Fjord, we should go dancing some time!” Jester says, so much more cheerful than she was just a moment ago,. Caleb has to wonder how much of it is fake, just latching onto the next best thing to move on from the rising tension. How much she puts on for the group’s sake. A quick glance at Beau’s furrowed brows tells him she thinks much the same as him. “I am a very good dancer, Caleb can tell you.”

Caleb offers a weak nod and unconvincing smile in their direction as Fjord’s eyes flick to his quickly before settling back on Jester’s more fully. Caleb watches them talk for a few moments, Jester enthusiastic while Fjord is resolutely not looking Caleb’s way. He watches them until Beau says something about getting Nott and Yasha down here and he watches them as she leaves, and watches them until he startles at Caduceus’s large hand falling on his shoulder. “It’s like I said, we’re all looking for some distractions lately… sometimes those include distractions from each other.”

Caleb offers half a sad smile and pats Caduceus’s hand with his own. “Ja, I know,” he says quietly as Jester stands up to demonstrate the waltz with an imaginary partner and Fjord’s eyes follow her dedicatedly. “That does not make it hurt less.”

Caduceus frowns, eyes full of an understanding Caleb isn’t entirely sure is there. “I don’t know what exactly happened between you two the other night but… maybe you should try speaking your minds.”

Caleb snorts at that, hearing Nott loudly talking to Beau and Yasha as they come downstairs. “Fjord and I? Speaking our minds? I think even your patience will wear thin waiting for that, my friend.”

_When he wakes up it’s to tangled limbs, half of them dark green against his own pale ones. Some light seeps through the window coverings, enough that he can make out Fjord’s features in the early morning haze. He looks peaceful in a way Caleb hasn’t seen him in weeks, maybe months, his face softened by sleep. Caleb knows Fjord is closer to his age than most of his companions, but he looks younger now, less weighed down by his past and by the reality of their present. The lines in his forehead are gone, and so is the bravado he puts on for the group, leaving him vulnerable. His newly growing in tusks peek out from under his lips where his mouth is slack and there’s a bit of drool collecting. Caleb thinks he’s never looked more handsome._

_There’s a sinking feeling in Caleb’s chest, and he wants to believe it’s the aftermath of a night of drinking but he knows it isn’t that. Knows that he’s thought Fjord was handsome for a while, that while he’s a dangerous man he would like to know more, understand more, about him. He also knows that that wasn’t what last night was about, and that part of him that is terrified of confrontation dreads the moment Fjord wakes up. So instead he counts the seconds and minutes until then, taking in every detail he can so that even if he never sees it again it’ll be ingrained in his memory. Prays to whatever gods may be listening that whatever worst case scenario he can come up with doesn’t play out._

_He’s considering the ramifications of leaving before Fjord wakes up, realizes that not only would that land him in hot water but that the only place he can run to is downstairs since this is his own room, when he feels Fjord tense. The arm around his waist tightens and Caleb isn’t sure he could leave now if he wanted to. He watches Fjord’s brows furrow, his jaw tense, and feels his chest move faster and faster against his own._

_“Fjord?” He starts quietly, before repeating himself louder, reaching a hand out to shake his shoulder. “Fjord, wake up. It is just a dream, mein freund.”_

_Fjord jolts up into a sitting position with a gasp followed by a coughing fit, chest heaving as he frantically looks around the room._

_“Fjord?” Caleb thinks for a moment he can smell the sea on the edge of Fjord’s morning breath._

_Fjord looks down at him where he’s still lying down, and for a moment Fjord’s eyes are unfocused, staring at him but seeing someone—something—else, and Caleb isn’t sure what to do other than stare back. When his eyes focus again he looks embarrassed for a moment, looking away, and then he comes to some sort of understanding and everything about him goes tense again. Caleb can do nothing but watch._

_“Uh… so.” Fjord starts and never finishes, is never the one to take that step between the two of them. His voice is light but in that way that it’s obviously an effort to be; he’s putting on some sort of persona, and a piece of Caleb breaks inside, knowing that this is an end to something that never even began._

_So he takes a deep breath, and says the only thing he knows Fjord will appreciate, “We ah… do not have to talk about it, if you do not wish to.”_

_He hopes his voice is more measured than he feels._

_Fjord snorts, shaking his head ruefully. “How can we not?” When Caleb is silent, Fjord looks back to him, frowning. “This was… a mistake.”_

_Caleb frowns back, before he sits up as well but shifts back to put some distance between the two of them. Tries not to stare at Fjord or his chest or his arms and settles with staring at his own hands. “That is… one way to put it.”_

_“Oh yeah? And what other way is there?”_

_Caleb’s frown deepens, as he meets Fjord’s glare with one of his own. Something about this doesn’t sit right with him, something feels off, and he just can’t bring himself to believe Fjord. “Is that what you think, or what he thinks.”_

_Caleb would like to believe he knows when he’s overstepping, but with Fjord things are never so simple. And maybe he’s letting his own feelings get the better of him, maybe he isn’t quite so acquainted and used to rejection as he wanted to believe. But the way Fjord’s eyes flare with anger and how his jaw tenses it’s like he can hear the grinding of his teeth and it makes him want to curl in on himself but he stands his ground._

_“What? You think I’m fuckin’ incapable of thinking for myself? You think gods damned Uk’otoa is deciding every single move I make? Fuck you.”_

_Caleb squints, gritting his teeth. “You know damn well that’s not what I’m saying.”_

_“Yeah? And what are you saying then, exactly? I’m not you Caleb, I don’t let the people and things that fucked me over rule my decisions!”_

_They stare at each other, breathing heavily, from either side of the bed for a few long, silent moments. Finally, Caleb looks away, glaring at the wall on the other side of the room. The absurdity of having this argument now, when they’re both naked save for the sheets on Caleb’s bed catches up to them as he watches Fjord start to stand up before quickly sitting back down and covering himself as he swears._

_“Fucking shit-ass, balls….” Caleb hears him muttering and he has the decency to turn away full as Fjord collects his clothes and redresses. They say nothing to each other throughout, nothing as Fjord waits with his ear to the door for a moment to slip out without being noticed, nothing even when Caleb sneaks one last look at Fjord as he quickly opens the door and leaves him alone with nothing but his thoughts and memories._

It’s been three days and they’ve barely spoken outside of snide comments and false pretenses of conversation, and never when it’s just the two of them. Caleb thinks maybe Caduceus was onto something, maybe he should make the first move, again. Everyone can sense tension between them, but no one pushes because these days everyone is at each other’s throats anyways. Nott yelled at Beau for sticking her nose in everyone’s business, he overheard Beau get into a heatedly whispered argument with Fjord over him toying with Jester’s feelings, Jester is becoming more and more frustrated with Nott’s drinking and with Yasha’s disappearing every so often when she thought they were getting close. Caleb can’t seem to find a good time to even make an attempt to speak to Fjord, and he’s fairly certain Fjord is doing that on purpose. The group is cracking, a divide forming that no one seems to know what to do with, and so when Beau approaches him one night, nearly two weeks after he and Fjord’s night together, he’s sure she’s come to tell him off for something he can’t remember he’s done.

Instead, she knocks gently on the door before opening it and telling Nott to get lost for a bit. Nott glares at her for a moment, turning to look at Caleb for a moment, before she strides past Beau’s legs out into the corridor. Beau closes the door softly behind her, going to sit on the bed next to him. Caleb remains tense, and he keeps his eyes on Frumpkin in his lap as he pets his cat. They stay silent sitting there for a while, and Beau doesn’t attempt to break the silence but she doesn’t seem to be waiting for him to either. She’s just sitting there and it’s making him anxious.

Finally, when she does break the silence, her voice is quiet and soft, like she’s talking to a wounded animal, and it is so very unlike how she has spoken to him in the past it nearly sets Caleb off worse. “I told Yasha about this girl I knew, Tori, once. I didn’t tell anyone else about her because I thought ‘fuck, it really doesn’t mean a god damn thing!’ But Tori was the closest thing I had for a friend for a long time, and she taught me a lot about the world, and about how unfair it is.” She takes a breath, reaches a hand out to rub Frumpkin’s head. “We weren’t much of anything, really. We were partners in crime—literally—and we fooled around sometimes but… we weren’t an item or anything, even if sometimes I wondered what that would be like with her.”

“Why are you telling me this.” Caleb doesn’t really ask, he has a sinking feeling he knows exactly where she’s going with this. He’s noticed the pattern she uses with the others to get them to open up, thinks maybe something is really wrong with him for her to be trying to reach out to him in this way. That maybe the divides within the group are making her just as unsure with where they all stand with each other as he is.

She still doesn’t look at him, focuses on Frumpkin and the way he moves around her, headbutting her hand until she pets him more fully. “We’ve established you’re capable of real human emotions, but we still haven’t figured out if you’re capable of acknowledging them without someone else’s prompting. Mainly mine.”

Caleb gives a small grin he knows she can’t see when he snorts and replies, “I do not have feelings for you, Beauregard.”

He watches her wrinkle her nose just before she shoves him, hard, and he winces as he bounces off the wall from the force, even as he chuckles. “Shut up, asshole. We’re not talking about you and me here and you fucking know it.”

“Then who _are_ we talking about, Beau?” He knows she’s perceptive enough to know what she’s talking about, and if he is going to open up to anyone it will always be Beauregard first, much as he loves Nott, but that doesn’t mean he won’t make her work for it.

“Let’s try this another way then, Mr. Smartass.” She spits at him, but he sees the smile in her eyes, and the laughter in her voice, and he’s reminded again that she is so young compared to him, has seen so much less. “I know it hurts you to see Jester and Fjord together just as much as it hurts me, even if it’s for different people.”

Caleb clears his throat and looks away from her, absently brings Frumpkin back to his side so he can scratch at his ears. Beauregard is perceptive, and she loves this group as a family, and she is the only one keeping them all together even when they lash out at her. He knows she won’t leave without him telling her something, and she’ll see through any of his lies. There is no winning for him with her, and maybe having a confidant is worth it, not when he suffocates at the thought of telling anyone else in the group anything. “Ja, well… did you sleep with Jester and then have the first thing she says to you in the morning after be that it was all a mistake?” He looks back to see her face frozen, trying to be neutral but incapable of hiding her disbelief. “I believe I have the monopoly on pain here, Beauregard.”

They’re silent for a moment as they regard each other, and it takes all of Caleb’s willpower not to squirm under her gaze. She looks disbelieving at first, then as if she’s trying to find the hole in his lie, then angry before she tries to reel it all in. “He did what?” Caleb winces at her voice, how it wavers at the end, how she whispers it to him like she can’t bear to raise her voice, like if she does she might scream it instead. “I’ll kill him. I’ll fucking kill him, are you kidding me? I let _him_ try to teach me manners? Even I have better bedside manner than that, fucking… ask Keg!”

“I would prefer not to.” Caleb says, calm in the face of her rising voice. Something about her outburst makes him feel better about the last week; not about what happened, but how he reacted. It validates his uncomfortability and awkwardness ever since, makes him feel as if his hurt was justified. “And I appreciate the concern, Beauregard, but it is… alright. You do not have to, er, _kill_ him.”

“That doesn’t mean I won’t.” She grumbles, crossing her legs and arms as she shifts on the bed to face him better. “That’s why you both got so uncomfortable at breakfast a few days ago when I said you two should just fuck it out.”

Caleb winces again at the memory and sighs. “Ja, you know… I am not so uncomfortable with the matter. It is, I think, Fjord who has a problem—Er, well, he _obviously_ had a problem immediately but I mean… with the rest of the group knowing. I just do not wish to strain things further than they already are.”

Beau huffs, cracking her neck as she stretches it side to side. “Yeah well… things’ll be strained no matter what and not saying anything isn’t good either.”

Caleb raises an eyebrow. “And you will be telling Jester how you feel as well?”

Her nose twitches and she scowls at the wall. “I mean… she doesn’t even play for my team and she has a crush on Fjord. I think Jester’s the only person who’s relationship with me _isn’t_ strained.”

Caleb nods, hesitantly reaching out with what he hopes is a comforting hand on her knee. “I understand. Look at me, I am not the poster child for open lanes of communication! I’m not going to force you to speak your mind to her.”

Beau gives him a small smile, rocking over to shift onto her knees. “I appreciate it, but maybe we could all afford to communicate better.”

Caleb shakes his head. “You sound like Caduceus.”

“He has some good ideas, man!” Beau grins, leaning over with her arms out. “Now c’mere, dumbass.” Caleb sighs, allowing Beau to wrap her arms around him, and he even gently embraces her back, laying his head on her shoulder. “I’m still gonna fuckin’ kill him, you know. I just… won’t tell him why.”

Caleb snorts, burying his head deeper in Beau’s shoulder holding her tighter. “I do not think that would help inter-party relations.”

_Caleb stays in bed for a while after. If he had cared to keep track, he’d know exactly how many hours he wasted as the sunlight continued to trickle and then pour in. He didn’t want to know though, just like he didn’t want to think about the conversation he’d just had, didn’t want to think about the night before. But his keen mind kept the memories playing, kept track of the ticking seconds, until he finally heaves himself out of the covers that still smell of sweat and salt and leather, to get dressed._

_He trudges down the stairs to find his friends milling around, nursing hangovers, eating breakfast, the atmosphere at odds with the emptiness he feels at the moment. He finds Fjord sitting alone at the bar staring at a barely touched plate of food._

_“Fjord.”_

_He sees Fjord’s muscles tense, sees his jaw tighten and his eyes clench shut but he doesn’t turn towards Caleb. “We’re not doing this.”_

_“Fjord—”_

_“Look,” Fjord whispers sharply. “We both said and did some things we didn’t mean. We can just leave it at that.”_

_Caleb’s jaw clenches the same time his heart does. “I don’t think we can.”_

_Fjord turns to him then, eyes hard and cold. “We will.”_

“Fjord.”

Fjord’s shoulders slump where he sits, all alone at a table in the back corner of the tavern. A large, clawed hand reaches up, rubbing at his face as he sighs. “Caleb.”

Caleb takes a seat opposite Fjord at the table, placing his bare arms on the table. He has always felt small compared to Fjord, both in stature and in confidence. So seeing him so defeated, curled in on himself, so _small_ , breaks a part of Caleb’s heart. “I think it is time we talk.”

Fjord pinches the bridge of his nose sitting further upright. “Yeah. Yeah I guess we have to at some point so it may as well be right fuckin’ now.”

Caleb raises an eyebrow, “Do you know a better time?”

“Do you know why Beau wants me dead?” Fjord counters, jutting his chin out. Caleb follows his gesture, seeing Beau sitting at the bar, not so subtly watching them, and when she notices them both looking in her direction her eyes narrow and she drags a finger across her neck. Caleb grimaces, turning back to Fjord and making an “ah” sound as he nods. “She’s been pissed at me since yesterday and hasn’t said a word about why.” Caleb clears his throat, rubbing the back of his neck eyes firmly on the table. Fjord seems to notice his uncomfortableness. “Oh. Well fuck me then.”

Caleb looks up at his friend again, sees him wince at the wording but says nothing else. Caleb opens his mouth to say something, anything, but he doesn’t know where to start. He can only take so many first steps, but he’s never been that good with other people, not since his days with the academy. He wants to know where they stand, wants to know what happened between the night and the morning, wants to know why Fjord won’t even speak to him, wants to know what he did wrong, but nothing comes out. So instead they sit in awkward silence as the minutes tick on, as Caleb bounces his leg and Fjord picks at his cuticles.

The first to break the silence was Beau, with a loud and obviously fake coughing fit. Fjord sighs, pushing his bangs out of his face. “Look I… You know how… I have, in the past, had nightmares where I ended up coughing up seawater? Well I uh… had one of those the night you and I uh… you know.”

Caleb stays quiet, bites the inside of his lip. “I won’t bore you with the details but… Not that long ago Uk’otoa proved he has a lot more… immediate control over me than I thought.” Fjord pauses, rubbing his hands together, exhaling shakily. “And he makes sure I know when he’s… unhappy. And I… I took that out on you.”

Caleb nods, considering the man in front of him, how embarrassed he seems, how defeated. “I just want to know,” he starts slowly, both for his own sake and for Fjord’s, “if you meant it. We do not have to… to be anything, that isn’t what I will ask of you. I just want to know if you believed it was a mistake.”

Fjord’s eyes widen and he responds too quickly, tripping over his words. “No, no Caleb I… when I said we both said things we didn’t mean—”

“You said a lot of things, Fjord.” Caleb interrupts quietly. “I am not a perfect man, and I do not always… say the right things in the ways I want them to mean. But sometimes...  Sometimes we say the things we mean the most when we are upset.”

Fjord runs a hand through his hair, tugging at the strands. Caleb watches him, remembers the feelings of those hands in his hair, tugging at the long strands, and closes his eyes tightly against the unwanted memories. “I don’t regret it.” Fjord finally says, so quiet Caleb almost misses it. “I don’t… but I also don’t know that we can… not right now.” Fjord’s voice is hushed, and he glances over to where Caleb knows Beau still sits. “Everyone is on edge, I just… don’t know.”

Caleb nods slowly, squinting at Fjord. “From one accomplished liar to another… is it the group as a whole, or is this about Jester?” Fjord doesn’t need to respond, he closes his eyes and Caleb already has his answer. “Beauregard is mad at you, because she believes you to be toying with other people’s emotions, people whom she cares for. And… and I believe that at the very least, Jester deserves your honesty, even if I do not.”

Fjord sighs, lowers his eyes again. “You’re right. You’re both right it’s just that I… don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to hurt anyone. And I know that I’m makin’ it worse but…”

Caleb shifts uncomfortably, knows that Fjord isn’t looking at him but feels Beau’s stare burning through the back of his head just as intense as the flames he conjures. “So, then, you do not believe we should have another repeat of the other night until you… understand where you stand with not only Jester, but Uk’otoa as well.” Fjord looks up at him, raising an eyebrow slightly, and Caleb feels his face heat, not just from Beau anymore. “Not—Not to imply that it would happen again anyway just— I just wish to understand what you’re saying.”

Fjord’s mouth twitches as it slowly forms a sly grin before he bites it back down, and Caleb gets a peek at the green tongue he is now intimately familiar with, and looks away even more embarrassed. “I’m not sayin’ I wouldn’t… appreciate a repeat. And I have a pretty damn good idea of where Uk’otoa and I stand, and what he thinks of us uh… _fraternising,_ and I assure you I have considered that in the idea of a repeat.”

Caleb sputters. “I… I do not want to be _used_ out of _spite_ , Fjord, that is not fair—”

“No, wait, shit, balls, that’s not—Caleb, that’s not what I _meant_.” Fjord’s rubs his forehead roughly before shouting, “Beau! Yeah, miss lightning fists! Do me a solid and hit me with them will you?”

Caleb chuckles, and then he begins laughing and he can’t stop. Feels his face go red, his stomach ache, knows that both of his friends are staring at him, and he can’t stop. The absurdity of the conversation catching up to him along with relief at the possibility that things could go back to normal, that perhaps the group isn’t nearly as close to the ledge as he feared, that maybe there is something there between he and Fjord that can be explored later when they aren’t making asses of themselves. When he finally gets his breathing back under control and wipes his eyes, he sees Fjord smiling fondly at him, and his heart aches again, but this time the feeling is oddly comforting. “This was an enlightening chat, mein freund. Perhaps… we can do this sooner next time.” He stands, still rubbing his eyes, but smiling in a way he hasn’t in a week.

Fjord stands too, shifting closer to his side, hesitant at first, and then more sure as he reaches out a steadying hand onto Caleb’s shoulder. “Yeah, I uh… I’d like that, Caleb.” Caleb resists the urge to chafe at the tenderness in Fjord’s voice and in his face, and instead tries to put his self loathing out of his mind for just a moment so that he can bask in it. Fjord bites his lip again, looking over in Beau’s direction, as if unsure of something, before he leans down, gently pressing his lips to Caleb’s for a moment before pulling away, unsure.

Caleb closes his eyes and smiles, hums as he leans his head onto Fjord’s chest. “I know I have not been as ah… _vocal_ as Jester about it, but I am glad to see your tusks growing in.”

“Oh yeah?” Fjord asks, voice teasing as one of his large hands comes up to gently tug at Caleb’s hair. He feels Fjord’s voice rumble through his chest, feels the vibrations against his cheek and shudders at the feeling. “Well, I’m glad.”

When he looks back to the bar, Caleb sees Jester has arrived and freezes for a moment, panicked, when he notices her hand in Beau’s. When she looks over to where he and Fjord are standing as if she senses him looking, she smiles at him, happy and genuine and above all so _warmly_ that all Caleb can do is smile back. He sees Beau look over too, sees her give her version of a discreet thumbs up and he smiles, gives her an awkward thumbs up back.

_They stumble through Caleb’s door, trying to be quiet and knowing they aren’t in the slightest. Caleb giggles as he shuts the door behind him, follows Fjord deeper into the room. Grins up at him mischievously as he starts tugging Fjord’s shirt out from where it’s tucked into his pants. Fjord tugs his hair out from the ponytail it's been in all night, and he huffs as it falls into his face, melts at how Fjord pushes it back behind his ears, cupping his face in the process just to tip it upwards to kiss him._

_It’s not Caleb’s first kiss, not by a long shot, but it is his first kiss in quite a long time. And maybe it’s just the magic both he and Fjord are capable of that feels like sparks crackling around him, that pulls him closer and closer to Fjord until he can’t tell where he ends and where Fjord begins, or maybe it’s something else. But tonight isn’t the night to find out which it is, tonight is one of those nights where all either of them can do is follow those sparks and see where they take him._


End file.
